Monday, January 09, 2006

Partisanship is everywhere, including breakfast and snacktime.

To be a truly honest thinker one can never be a partisan. Partisans are always unfair to me, because they percieve me, falsely, as a partisan of the other side! That is why I do not have conversations with such people. It is not a real conversation!

But partisanship is everywhere. I am often bothered by the partisan behavior of those who prefer non-dairy creamer to milk when they offer me coffee. Observe the clear differences:

Non-dairy creamer is obviously partisan. Just look at it! How can you even have a conversation with non-dairy creamer? It is impossible!

But on the other hand, milk comes from cows. What is more independent and non-partisan than cows? Cows do not involve themselves in the crudities of partisan politics!

Kos is by his own admission an "asshole." But have you ever heard anyone call a cow an "asshole"? Cows also support the American dairy industry as well as the American meat industry. And cows would clearly want Sam Alito confirmed to the Supreme Court, because they see that he is very competent. This is all very clear.

I find it a very valuable use of my time to decide what things are partisan and what things are independent. Toenail clippers are very partisan. Ironically, toenails themselves are not. Toast is extremely partisan! Toast with jelly however is objective and interesting. I could talk with a piece of toast with jelly for hours, and often have. I asked my wheat toast with strawberry jam this morning what Alito should say if he is asked about the "Star Trek" episode "Mirror Mirror." What a hoot!

What sorts of things do you think are partisan? Is grass partisan? Ping-pong balls? "Dora the Explorer"? Philips-head screwdrivers? Martinis? Salad dressing?


Blogger Nim said...

I can't even go to dinner parties or graduation parties, or wedding parties anymore, because the very thought of being at such a partisan event makes me want to vomit with rage.

11:23 AM  
Blogger K. Ron Silkwood said...

Many, many blogs are partisan, and are run by (pardon me) "a**holes." I am thankful that this blog is nonpartisan. I get all my opinions here, and all my news from Fox. More people should follow my example.

11:24 AM  
Blogger Aspasia M. said...

I don't know if the milk in my tea was partisan this morning. But it did cool off my tea while I watched the opening sessions of "hide the salami" on C-Span.

My cat, I believe, is quite partisan. He does not think that Alito is an angel.

11:26 AM  
Blogger Phila said...

Interesting analysis. Where do you stand on Thin Elvis versus Fat Elvis? (I think they were both partisan.) Or Kirk versus Picard? (I think Picard was partisan, but Kirk wasn't.) Thor versus the Hulk? Adorno versus Horkheimer? Do tell!

BTW, what color and brand of lipstick do you use? My wife needs to paint a buoy.

11:57 AM  
Blogger Pooh said...

How can you Partisnaly prefer McCartney to Lennon. John was clearly non-partisan. Even though Yoko was a dirty hippy, John remained pure as the driven snow. I sat in John's presence once. And then he died. They're making a movie about Jodie Foster, who I think killed him. Not only should they not make this movie, they should not make Jodie Foster. She's too partisan.

12:03 PM  
Blogger NYMary said...

If cows are nonpartisan, does that mean that barbed wire is, by definition, partisan?

Also, I'm curious about whether silky underwear are partisan or nonpartisan. Perhaps they're nonpartisan if they're clean but partisan if they've been worn?

12:25 PM  
Blogger Fred Woodston said...

Pooh's name should never be mentioned. Ever.

Furthermore, Pooh, YOU are the dirty hippy.


12:33 PM  
Blogger refinnej said...

"Also, I'm curious about whether silky underwear are partisan or nonpartisan."

IMHO, silky undies are as partisan as they come.. even more than non-dairy creamer and philips-head screwdrivers, the most partisan tool in the drawer. If you're looking for non-partisan undies it's cotton all the way..

1:15 PM  
Blogger ntodd said...

Actually, I must disagree with Ms. Altmouse, dreamy and non-partisan though she may be. I live in Vermont. Our cows are very partisan. In fact, they are SOCIALISTS! It's disgusting.

1:52 PM  
Blogger Pooh said...


I have it on good authority that non-partisan Pooh smells much sweeter than partisan Pooh. I smell sweet. Therefore I am non-partisan. Why are you questioning the argument I didn't make?

2:41 PM  
Anonymous flory said...

I think martinis are very partisan. Good progressive cocktail. Also manhattans.

Now a tom collins is as non partisan as possible. Slow gin fizz as well.

3:50 PM  
Blogger Ann Altmouse said...

Phila, you need to pick up the quality of your comments. It is of no interest to me whether your wife paints a buoy or a guirl. That is a nonargument!

4:13 PM  
Blogger Aspasia M. said...

Kirk is partisan, but Picard is not. Why? Picard drinks tea! Non-partisan tea.

My cat may be a partisan. He won't discuss Adorno. He is, however, an essentialist who spurns post-modern interpretations his world.

6:53 PM  
Anonymous gordo said...

I'm so happy that those of us who are interested in non-partisan law have a place to come to! While the partisan blogs discuss "ideology," "legal briefs," and "rulings," we can use our minds instead of our emotions and agree in a non-partisan way that Adorno is obviously qualified, and no more discussion is needed.

All of which frees us to spend our time more productively, laughing at partisans and talking about Star Trek. Thank you, Altmouse, for creating this space!


(cops a feel)

Speaking of the "Mirror, Mirror" episode, what would the evil, partisan version of Altmouse be like? Would she have a goatee? Would she clutter her site with partisan ads? Would she be named something like, oh, "Altgrouse?" LOL!

Please let us know your opinion of the non-partisan aspects of the Adorno confirmation, like how he dresses and how he combs his hair. Once again, let me offer you my heartfelt, non-partisan thanks!


(gets slapped)

12:20 AM  
Blogger Fred Woodston said...

Pooh, I never said you smelled, stop putting words in my mouth and get serious about your argument.

5:44 AM  
Anonymous Bossie said...


6:33 AM  
Blogger Pooh said...

Ann, Fred is being mean, please ban him...

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Altmouse forever said...

Parties are partisan. So is parting one's hair. The kind of parting which Shakespeare called such sweet sorrow is very partisan.

Artisans are partisan too. And part of my son is partisan. I won't tell you which part.

8:59 AM  
Blogger NYMary said...

Dora the Explorer is clearly a partisan example of political correctness gone awry. She's a girl who does things by herself and doesn't even speak Englih much of the time!

And the demonization of Swiper is clearly a left-wing attack on a solid member of the Republican Party.

9:56 AM  
Anonymous gordo said...


Well put.


I'm also troubled by the partisanship regarding Swiper. The non-partisan aspect of the whole Dora/Swiper controversy is obviously the fact that Democrats took money from Indian tribes. That was way partisan, and I'm glad that we have non-partisan journalists like Tim Russert, who present it in a non-partisan way:

10:23 AM  
Blogger Jacques Cuze said...

How come everyone is afraid to talk about Dora's head being the size of her body and shaped like a football? It really gives me the heebie jeebies. And "We did it! We did it!" is just another partisan Democrat lie.

6:22 PM  
Blogger Pooh said...

Is it a little green football? Little Green Footballs agree with all my non-partisan friends, but they do some withy such enthusiasm that they become partisan.

G-d this joke never gets old...

7:53 PM  
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