Monday, March 06, 2006

Liveblogging last night's Oscars.

Last night I liveblogged the Oscars by putting them on TiVo so I can blog about them today. Watching the Oscars on TiVo is the only way to do it! That way I can skip past all the boring speeches, songs, musical numbers, presentations, monologues, "comedy bits," film montages, commercials, and everything else. That material is too boring! I only watch to see the fashions. It is too bad though that none of the starlets, like Hillary Gyllenhall or Heath Swank, wore anything nearly as glamorous as the Mrs. Sam Alito evening gown.

7 (Central Time). Jon Stewart is off to a fast start, because I am hitting the fast forward on the remote. I stop because there is a scene with Billy Crystal and Chris Rock in a tent. I did not know that they liked camping. I hope they have warm pajamas. I think I see panic on Jon Stewart's face. Or maybe that is some butter I got on the TV screen. Hold on... it was butter. David Ogden Altmouse Steirs sometimes thinks that the TV set is an English muffin. He is such a scamp!

7:10. A very funny montage about camping. I haven't seen more than 15 minutes of any of the movies they are discussing, but I am pretty sure that most of them were about camping. The environmentalist bias is clear. But Jon Stewart is subtly mocking the partisan audience. Only I get the joke. I am a nonpartisan, That is why I usually get knock-knock jokes, also. Moreover, I also am alone in my grasp of the subtle mockery of liberal partisans that is the true hallmark of the Daily Show.

7:45. George Clooney wins Best Supporting Actor. He says blah blah blah, I am better than you, and actors are better than you, do you want a piece of this motherfucker, I want to rape your puppies, Ace is the place for the helpful hardware man, I am a partisan, I like to eat biscuits n' gravy. I am paraphrasing but that is really what he meant. Thank goodness for TiVo! That made it easy for me not to actually listen to such partisan ranting.

7:45. Tom Hanks wastes our time by not blogging but talking. Ben Stiller is wearing a bow tie and a duck with no pants. I eat some cookies. "King Kong" wins, which is a movie about a giant gorilla. The gorilla does not come out -- because there was no gorilla. It was all fake. "Wallace and Grommit" win an award for something, but they for some reason do not accept the award in person. That is the first real political statement of the night. Maybe they are off camping.

8:20. Jennifer Aniston comes out to make fun of us and to call us names. Will Ferrell and Steve Carell tell funny jokes. "Return of the Sith" doesn't win! Partisanship! I like light sabers. They are very nonpartisan. Rachel Weisz has large, voluptuous, swelling breasts. I lose track of what she is saying.

9:00. All the women are in beige or black. Did some nonpartisan order go out? I hope so. Last year some women word different colors in an obvious attempt to sway the election. That was very wrong. Black and tan are nice colors with no partisan connotations, however.

9:45. Salma Hayek is wearing blue! I hope she gets hit by a bus. The conductor is eating M&Ms, while I am drinking red wine. But that is not because I am a partisan! Ha ha ha. Wine is very good and goes well with all sorts of food, like sandwiches. I am fast forwarding again.

10:00. A big yawn. "It's Mighty Hard Out Here for a Pimp." The room is jubilant, because Hollywood is objectively pro-pimp. America is not impressed. America hates it when its values are stomped on by Hollywood. Americans do not like pimps, and are in face extremely anti-pimp. Why can't other people agree that Hollywood is out of step with traditional American values? Why am I the only one who ever makes this point? I am a very original thinker. Anyway, nobody will be talking about this "Pimp" song tomorrow. That much is very clear.

11:00. And the winner is CRASH! This is an excellent choice. There is a strong chance that I even saw this one, but I will have to check my blog to be sure.

Why "Crash"? It is a surprise, but it makes sense. Giving an award to a homosexual movie would have been too partisan. People disagree about gays. Everybody now obviously agrees about race. But what about camping? What happened to the camping movie? Why did they risk alienating all of those people who like camping? Very strange.

UPDATE. Apparently this character is trying to increase his hit count by talking about how I liveblogged the Oscars. How sad! He apparently is convinced that I am a conservative. But he does not know that I watch the Colbert Report. Ha! So I get the last laugh. And all of his commenters are extremely sexist, because they made fun of me. How shocking. This is exactly why I might someday regret my vote for Russ Feingold. But this character was ideating about me all night! Clearly he was driven to near madness by my feminine allure. How tragic. I am sure he is now regretting his foolishness, as he has had a chance to go back over my commentary and see how incicive and nonpartisan it is. He needs to stop being someone who ideates. That is clear.


Blogger Silleigh said...

I read this post earlier today. But it was on one of the self-absorbed, not-funny internets.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Phila said...

Everybody now obviously agrees about race.

But would you really want one of "them" to ideate your daughter? What if she had large, voluptuous, swelling breasts? More to the point, what if you had them? If I had them, I'd never leave my bed. Wouldn't you?

Isn't TiVo one of the Jackson Five? It must be exciting to watch the Oscars with a celebrity of that stature. I guess that's where you get so much of your "inside dope" on Hollywood.

8:06 PM  
Blogger Phila said...

I'm very silly. I'm thinking of Bev, Bill, and TiVo. Not as good as the Jackson Five, maybe...but still, you move in very exciting circles! Speaking of which, if you and TiVo know...well, please just forget what I said about "them" in that last comment.

8:10 PM  
Anonymous freq flag said...

Once that character looks in the mirror and shapes up, he will immediately reify his ideations.

How sad that he must live with his sexist partisanship until he does so, however.

He owns dogs, though. I think they are bassett hounds, which are nice dogs.

Do you think "hit count" and "feminine allure" have anything to do with each other? I myself am driven to near madness by your incicive and nonpartisan commentary, but I do not regret my foolishness. That would be sexist.

Do not vote for Russ Feingold; that would be partisan. Vote for Samuel Alito. That would be very patriotic and America-loving.

Oh! What a night! Time to loofah the TiVo.

8:28 PM  
Blogger Jacques Cuze said...

I was disappointed there wasn't more partisan tootie flashing. Oh well, maybe next year.

8:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was really surprised tootsi won again!

Didn't that movie win in the 80's?

I remember getting a little aroused by Dustin in a dress.

-Ann Althouse

9:39 PM  
Blogger Aspasia M. said...

Yea! no more nostrils!

You're right -- Hollywood is objectively pro-pimp and that moment was the best Oscar moment ever.

9:58 PM  
Blogger Ann Altmouse said...

I was disappointed there wasn't more partisan tootie flashing. Oh well, maybe next year.

Your sexist attacks on this beloved Facts of Life character are dispicable.

Apology not accepted.

10:03 PM  
Blogger K. Ron Silkwood said...

I play the Salma Hayek part over and over. I really like Salma Hayek. I play her part of that vampire movie over and over. She doesn't have a blue dress in that movie. I think that is my favorite movie.

10:14 PM  
Anonymous Ian Ane said...

It is sad that that character is still being someone who ideates. I think ideation is a big reason there is so much partisanship. It is clear Bush has never ideated in his whole life, and that is why I am a nonpartisan Bush supporter, too.

11:15 PM  
Anonymous jade said...

I thought it was a teensy weensy bit partisan of you, Ann, to say dogmatically "there was NO gorilla." It's the sort of thing a left-wing elitist would say, taking absolutely no account of the many credible accounts of gorillas over the years. The fact that it is a matter of faith does not mean that it is not also a matter of fact for many of those in the Heartland. In fact, it is clear that their conviction that mile-high gorillas exist and right now are dwelling among us is evidence of a sincerity and essential "authenticity of vision" that many partisan persons who only wish to boost their hit counts could only dream of emulating.

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