Monday, December 25, 2006

Hark the hallowed mittens itch.

Of course I blog on Christmas! But tonight one of the cats that freezes on my roof slid off and conked me out. The New York Times I have delivered woke me up. This is why I will not cancel it. If you want to call me a "conservative" now, feel free. Why should I cancel my New York Times subscription? It is very heavy! It has dead frozen cats in it! I need to have its heft at my doorstep, otherwise I might forget that I live next door to a bunch of silly hippies whose newspapers weigh very little. Stupid not dead cats Madison losers without New York Times subscriptions! Why don't they buy me coffee?

This last Supreme Court term was very interesting. In some ways it was not so interesting, but fascinatingly so.

Here is how I dance.

Friday, December 22, 2006

1. How to make Altmouse left wing. 2. How to make Altmouse right wing.

1. Embed her in Madison and bring her coffee.

2. Make her talk to people who are left wing and therefore very partisan.

Nothing bothers me more than people who believe in things. I never believe that anyone ever believes in anything, so when I meet them, I try not believe that they believe anything. I am very charitable that way.

People who believe things sometimes do things, and that is just so silly! Why can't they accept the challenge, as I have, of not believing anything? I resent zealots of all sorts, especially the ones who criticize me. Don't they see that in the very act of criticizing me, they are proving my point, that only someone who is is inferior to me even ever has a "point" to begin with?

We need more citizens willing to take a stand like I do, which is to be totally against ever taking any sort of a stand.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

What color is your soul?

I have not posted in a week because I was wondering what my soul would look like on the Internet. I finally found it!

I don't suppose any of the left-wing bloggers who are my enemies will understand this, though. Their souls are like robots. They should have souls that are more like toasters, or perhaps fried dough.

UPDATE: I am constantly attacked by bloggers who are passive aggressive, driven by their insatiable egos. I just post whatever waltzes into my head here in my lonely outpost in Madison, Wisconsin. Do you know why I am so critical of liberals? Because here in Madison I am surrounded by liberals! And none of them is as smart as I am! Why do they not bring me coffee in the morning in my office? Why do I have to buy it at Starbucks? They are so lazy!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The blogger bears' picnic.

Here is a picture of the Tom DeLay blogger's lunch. Let's just array these bloggers... randomly.

Do you see what I see? I've put in an arrow...

UPDATE: That's right. Look at what that blogger on the right is reading.



UPDATE: If you're going to be called on cockblogging, just admit it! How childish.

UPDATE: Some commenters are saying that there may also be a gratuitous sexualized picture of a woman in this cartoon. Where? I think sometimes people read too much into things.

Monday, December 11, 2006

"Did blogger Ann Altmouse encounter rudeness or antidisestablishmentarianism from a rude partisan blogger?"

Apparently Glenn talks about me in his new podcast. Where is Helen in that podcast, though? Perhaps she was worried about being attacked by Democratic political operatives, like this person, who apparently cannot stop attacking her without betraying a pathological hatred of men. Honestly, it is very hard to tell who these people hate more, men or women. I have explained this before. Why should I have to explain it again? There are all these fervid polibloggers gasping with horror at everything I say -- even in the comments! Why do they do this if they are not going to remember all of my arguments, all of which have substance?

Q: Didn't you say that it was stupid to call someone stupid, but then you called the bad Glenn stupid?

A: Yes. But then I am like Walt Whitman. Obviously! And you are ignoring the context, where I proved that Glenn Greenwald writes like a slimeball because his posts are very long and he never links to me except sometimes.

Q: Oooh, mittens!

A: What a hoot!

UPDATE: I listened to the podcast, though it was hard to push the "play button" because I was wearing my mittens. Glenn talks about how to get traffic at your blog. He neglects to mention how annoying it is when people like Andrew Sullivan pick blogfights with you and then refuse to give you a link. But he also talks about how inexcusably rude this TRex character was to me at a blogger party. He "growled and kept on typing" at me!

It was not very brave of her to do this. It was passive-aggressive! If there is one thing I dislike, it is passive-aggressiveness. It's almost as bad as childish sarcasm. I hate childish sarcasm! It is boring and deeply unserious.

It is also very ironic that someone named "T-Rex" would be passive-aggressive. That dinosaur was not passive-aggressive at all! Not like the Trachodon. That dinosaur was very passive-aggressive and never engaged in a process of sincere self-reflection. What a stupid dinosaur.

UPDATE: Looks like this totally humorless blog is getting all snippy! Oooooh, how horrible I am! What a stinker! Like their blog is so cool. And they are so cool. Doobooly DER-hey!

Why do all my enemies think that everything needs to be so serious all the time? They are so silly! And I hate how they change the "rules" halfway through any "debate." That is so childish.

UPDATE: Hee hee! I think underpants worn by bloggers named "Glenn" should be called "Glennderpants." Bad Glennderpants would be the kind that Britney Spears does not wear because they are itchy.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Britney Spears's uncovered vagina makes my blog look good.

I was only blogging about Camille Paglia, but for some reason Sitemeter is recording a lot of hits for Britney Spears's vagina, which she takes out in public with her without putting underpants on it first. I don't know why Camille Paglia and Britney Spears are the same person or why they do not wear underwear.

But this is the lesson: women who do not wear underwear grab your attention. This is something you would not have known unless you read my blog.

UPDATE: I did a Barfingheads today with Jonah Goldberg, where we talked about sex and religion and science fiction, and politics. Unfortunately, the camera that was recording it began to spontaneously melt three minutes in. How weird! So you can't hear it. Oddly enough, all the tech engineers also killed themselves by stabbing themselves in the eyes with pencils. How odd!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Get the message?

Too many partisans are attacking me because they do not believe that messages can be transmitted by blinking. I hope this teaches them a lesson.


UPDATE: I hope this fellow appreciates that I will not start a blogwar with him. GAZE INTO MY EYES, PARTISAN!

UPDATE: This woman has a lot to apologize for as well.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Long blog posts.

Edit them. I'm not impressed. I am frowning.

Shape up.

UPDATE: Why do nonentities like blogfights? Nonentities are bad, but nonpartisans are good. I think too many people are confused by nons. That is why their posts are too long. Try harder.

No, that is much too expensive.

A fascinating article in the New York Times reveals the shocking truth -- many bloggers are partisans! They pretend to be interested in politics, but then they go out and work for political campaigns! What hypocrites. It's like The National Journal says:
I do think it's interesting that some bloggers made a name for themselves by fighting the establishment and billing themselves as revolutionaries but at the same time are willing to work for campaigns. That, to me, is part of the establishment -- at least in a broad sense.
It's so ironic that now the bloggers have become The Establishment. I guess it's true -- the only cool rebels left are me, Glenn Reynolds, and David Broder. They should remake Easy Rider and we should be the stars! That would be a hoot. Vroom vroom! Motorcycles!

But the really interesting thing that the National Journal shows is just how easy it is for politicians to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to bloggers, and in return the bloggers will give them absolutely free advertising. What a scam, to pay so much money to get something for free. This is one of the dangers of partisanship.

UPDATE: Why are pathetic nonentities like this one always trying to get me to link to them? I absolutely refuse. I think blogfights are so petty.

UPDATE: Giggle! I think a link from a blogger named Glenn should be called a "glink"! How fun! If Glenn Reynolds were named Flenn Freynolds, though, a link from him would be a "flink," and that would be no fun at all. How boring!

UPDATE: Ha! I used "free" on purpose. It was a clever trick and the partisans were fooled yet again.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Naked people are very cold when they go outside naked in the cold.

Crap boogers! I just ran outside in my pajamas --I'm blogging in my pajamas, what a hoot! -- because I thought they had delivered my New York Times. I had heard a distinctive wet "slap" outside in the gutter, where they usually throw my paper. But this was only another dead cat that had fallen off of my roof. I don't know why, but there are always lots of dead cats falling off of my roof. I am going to have to move.

While I was standing in the gutter looking for the newspaper I heard the door shut and lock behind me. And then the newspaper truck came and threw the NYTimes on my head! How rotten. At least it was not the Sunday edition.

It is a good thing that I brought my laptop with me so I can still blog!

UPDATE: There is a Cinemax documentary on nudity tonight. It occurs to me that naked people would look very silly without their clothes on. Also, it is nonpartisa xxxlnln SADJCALJSC;L;$&$&)_)))nnnn


UPDATE: Ooops! Another dead cat just fell on my laptop. Why all the dead cats? What a mystery!